How my rape trauma is making me lose my husband — Victim

I’m known as Sonia Onyeama. My horrible story began when I was little and knew nothing about what life was. The sleepless nights unfolded few days before my 12 years birthday celebration.

Even though the moments and time were a long time ago, the scars and bruises are still written all over me.

No parents want their children to be sent to relatives regardless of however close they are. However, there are some circumstances that propel men to take decisions that negate his principle. It was this constraints that made my parents to have me sent to stay far away at my uncle’s (my father’s brother).

I thought I was traveling abroad and taking a break from my parents. As expected, I was excited at the thoughts of going to finally see how beautiful Lagos is. I’ve heard a lot about the City but going there had always eluded me until this sad day.

The excitement had felt in going to close soon vanishsed into thin air that I was coming to Lagos. The joy turned into bitter-sorry tale that will forever live with me.

Shortly after my arrival, exactly the very first night, it could have passed for a dream, except that I felt strongly it was real. I felt a hand grope my body; touch my nipples and then my vagina. It was like a nightmare gradually turning into horrible reality.

I was scared because it was dark and couldn’t fathom who could be doing such to me. And because I came from a strong Deeper Life Christian family where sex was never mentioned, speaking of someone touching my genital was something I could not spit out.

In fact, the first feeling was shock, that anyone could actually touch my genital.

That night passed and the hand kept coming every night until after about a week, when he finally penetrated me.

Still, I thought it was a monster, until one day, when my uncle came to threaten me that “If you ever tell anyone what is going on in this house, I will kill you.”

Never in my wildest dream did I think it could have been him, because he was my favourite uncle and I loved him dearly. Apparently, he thought I knew.

He also told me my mother, being a strong Christian, would never believe me. And I believed him. Really, it was a story hardly believable.

Of course I bled that first time, but his wife thought it was my period and gave me a sanitary pad. Even now, I cannot explain how his wife never knew, even though we all slept in a one-room apartment and both of them slept on the same bed.

If she knew or suspected but didn’t say anything, I honestly cannot tell. So many things happened then that I still cannot explain – like never getting pregnant all through.

Anyway, he started having sex with me, regularly after deflowering me and I really cannot count how many times he raped me.

I became like his alternative sex option, and it continued for six whole years – off and on, until I was 18.

Growing up, I have always heard that the age 18 was an age of freedom. So, I looked forward to my birthday. Precisely on my birthday, I summoned the courage to explain fully to my aunt what I’ve been going through in the hands of her husband. As expected, she was devastated.

However, I told her not to worry because I was ready to leave. Honestly, I had no plan but I was determined to be free. My Aunt in despair gave me a little sum of money to hold on to. That was how I left my uncle’s place for good. I became a hustler shortly after then, living with friends, engaging in petty theft, doing all kinds of menial jobs to survive.

I did many things apart from prostitution. I couldn’t bring myself to do it because I still have horrible images in my head. Infact, the mere thought of sex usually makes me shiver.

I was in this shape for two years (till 20 years old) when I met my God sent helper, Oladele at an Amala joint where I use to help them pack and wash plates.

The only good thing about living in my uncle’s house was the education they gave me. Before leaving, I had passed my WAEC. That education came in handy because fortunately Oladele works for a foreign based non profit organization that was interested in improving the lot of African Girl Child. Meeting Oladele changed my life because he guided me through the scholarship examination I wrote and even the interviews I had with the management of the organization when I was selected.

I gained admission to study and work abroad. That was how I left Nigeria. We were living a good life in the States and I wasn’t surprised when Oladele popped the question “will you marry me.”

Of course, I didn’t have any objection. I love him totally but I haven’t moved passed the horror images in my head about sex. Oladele knew I went through hardship living in my uncle’s house but he didn’t know the nitty gritty.

He sensed that I have been taken advantaged of but doesn’t know the gravity of what I had experience and what it had made me become. The truth is that I am so cold when it comes to issues of sex.

I find it repulsive. But this is no way to treat a man that has shown me so much love and affection. He changed my fortune in life and brought smiles to my face. We got married and now have 2 kids.

But, my husband knows I just go through the routine  and am not into sex. I feel so so guilty. Earlier in my marriage, he got many kinds of stimulants to get me horny. But lately, it seems he has given up on me. I feel we are drifting apart.

My husband is a real gentleman, he doesn’t hurt me in any way even though I know he is not happy. He is not harsh but we are not synchronized anymore. I think he is cheating on me but I don’t blame him. I wish I could change this whole situation and how I feel about sex.